Monthly Archives: May 2012

Daddy, Can I Help?

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I get this question many times during the weekends when I’m home.  I don’t keep a crazy schedule of house projects but light bulbs do need to be changed, porches do need to be fixed, and locks do need to be installed (to prevent the smallest people in our house from escaping).

I have been a father for a few years so when I need to work on something at home I anticipate this question is coming.  And I plan ahead.  When I let the boys help me out, my projects always take longer, can be a little more frustrating, can be a little more dangerous, and can require some rework by Daddy later on.  But I love letting them help.

As a parent I know it’s my responsibility to teach them values.  I know it’s my responsibility to provide their meals and meet their other physical needs.  But I also know it is my responsibility and great privilege to build a relationship with them.  We are a family.  This is what it’s all about.  Who cares about neat lawns, insulated windows, or new paint colors if I’m not pouring into the life of my kids.  What’s the point of doing all these things if I’m not building relationships?

Whenever I have a project I try to plan ways that they can help.  It’s often something small, but they are included from the beginning.  I know how excited and important it makes them feel.  Their actual interest in seeing a project through is very limited, but if I can let them help me turn a screw driver, hold the tape measure, or carry a wrench, it is time with them well spent.  We are working together.  That’s what I love.

If you have young children, trust me I know how a simple task like taking out the garbage can turn into a 45 minute adventure when you get them involved, but the pure joy on their face when they are helping is priceless.   They want to please Daddy and hear how they are such great helpers.   So take a little more time with your projects and let the kids help.  They will learn valuable things in those moments about responsibility, quality work, and helping out family, but that is just a shadow in the light of spending time together.  Time that means so much to them.  Time that means so much to me.
Encourage your kids when they help.  Tell them why you appreciate the help they offer.  Thank them and make them feel special about their contributions.  Who cares if it takes more time.  What are you going to do with those few extra minutes anyways?  Watch TV?  Eat another snack you don’t need?  Browse Facebook profiles of people you haven’t talked to in years?   You have a captive audience that thrives on your attention.  Having a little helper(s) is a beautiful thing.

Of course you can help.  I was hoping you’d ask.

When it’s too late, it’s usually your fault

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If you put off the call you’ll never speak
If you put off the garden it will be overcome with weeds
If you put off the thought it will never leave

If you wait too long the doors all close
If you wait too long the sun sinks down low

If you refuse to love your heart will collapse
If you refuse to hear the silence is all you get
If you refuse to live then all you have is regret

The Fedell Family Band

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Lately my boys and I have really enjoyed making music together.  We will wander upstairs and play the guitar, bongos, train whistle, elmo pre-programmed electric guitar, or whatever else we can get our hands on and jam. 

Yesterday while we were at the store, Jack was digging through some exotic toy animals when I diverted his attention to a shiny red harmonic.  I told him he could get that cheap looking plastic frog in his hand, very similar to the ones he already has, or he could get a good ole fashioned harmonic in the key of C. To my great suprise and delight he chose the harmonic.  He was actually really excited about it.

Music has always meant a lot to me.  My grandfather encouraged me to practice music when I was young.  He always wanted to know what I was playing and how it was coming along. I love how deep music can run through your soul.  It can say things words alone can’t. He knew that so well.

So naturally I love when they want to make music. Its fun and a good creative outlet for all of us.

Yesterday I was struck with an idea in the spirit of great music and wonderful family memories.  It’s hard to find inspiration for music in quiet times around our house, because they really don’t exist, (quiet times that is).  So I thought about seeking out the inspiration in the chaos.

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It all started when I was changing Colin’s diaper.  What I said to him struck me as a great title for our first family single.  Then I thought, what if I take the next 24 hours and find the rest of the song titles to our first album? 

We aren’t really writing an album, but I enjoyed the process of naming our tunes.  The only rule was, the songs have to come from dialogue in our house.  So here it is without further ado…

The Fedell Family Band Presents:

Can You Draw Me A Heart – EP

1. Don’t Put Your Feet in Your Poop
2. Give Your Brother the Harmonica
3. That Isn’t Safe
4. Boys, This Is Not Wild Time
5. I Call My Elephant, Trunky
6. Let Mama Be
7. How Did the Chips Get All Over
8. I’m a Rocket Star (Remix)
9. Quiet, Please
10. That’s Not Being Gentle
11. The Bowl Doesn’t Go On Your Head

This isn’t the last you’ve heard from The Fedell Family Band. What inspiration do you find in your chaos?

What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting

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Today Alicia has surgery.  I told her how I’m not used to being in a hospital when we aren’t expecting to bring someone else home with us. 

It reminded me how thankful I am for our family’s good health. 

It has been several months since we knew things weren’t quite right for Alicia.  In the last few weeks it was even more apparent.  After some debate Alicia did make an appointment to see her doctor.  The remedy to the problem was surgery. 

Her surgery is neede due to an abdominal hernia most likely caused from pregnancy.  Our boys were less than kind to her while in the womb. 

Not dealing with many medical issues in my life, when I first learned she had to have surgery, of course after my concern for her well being, my mind turned to the cost.  Where will the money come from to pay for this?  We don’t have a set aside fund specifically for medical expenses. Why don’t I have a better insurance plan?  My second thought was what a hassle it’s going to be to rearrange our lives to accommodate her recovery.  I typically work 60 hours per week with an unpredictable schedule.  I get paid on commission, so not working only means forgoing compensation on future paychecks.

My third thought was…what I am talking about?  My wife has great health.  My boys are healthy.  I am healthy.  We are fortunate enough to get good medical care when problems arise despite the cost or inconvenience.  We are able to treat something with relative ease when most people on the planet would have no choice but to let nature run its course. 

I’m thankful today instead of troubled.  We have so many great friends that endure, or have endured, so much more.  This pales in comparison. We have so much to be grateful for.Health is truly a blessing of God’s grace.

Its embarassing how selfish and shallow I can be sometimes. 

We are praying for a successful surgery and a quick recovery. 

(I hope I didn’t trick anyone thinking I was making a pregnancy announcement) :)

Don’t Settle, Don’t Settle, Don’t Settle

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I’ve got dreams.  Some I’ve had for years.  Some are new.  Some I’ve been waiting for the right time and some I’ve been trying to rush.  And sometimes in moments when I’m tired, weak, or scared I want to give up some of them.  It sounds easier than holding on or pushing through. 

I’m a person of faith.  It’s a huge part of who I am.  I talk with God regularly throughout my day.  When I drive inparticular. Today was no exception.   

As I was driving I was thinking about some of my dreams.  Some of them seem practical and logical, like they could actually happen.  Others seem outlandish and ridiculous, like I must be crazy.  But for some reason I believe them all.  Equally. 

Today I didn’t feel very confident about them.  I still believed them, but there was no accompanied warm feelings.  In fact I felt discouraged about them.  They seem like they are stuck in a vending machine and I don’t have any change to get them out. They are sitting on the edge.  Teetering.  I’m tempted to shake the machine to get them out, until I realize the machine is to big to move (or I’m too small to move it). 

I look into the machine and wonder if I will ever get to see my dreams fall into reality.  I can see my reflection vaguely as I look at each one longing for a small little twist to release them. 
Sometimes I feel like I want to walk away from those dreams.  Even though I hate the thought of it, sometimes I feel like giving up.  Maybe I shouldn’t expect so much?

But then I felt like I heard the Lord say to me in a quiet voice. 

“Don’t settle. Don’t settle, Ryan.  Don’t settle.”

It was a plea to not think so short term. 

“Don’t settle.  Don’t settle, Ryan.  Don’t settle.”

It was the encouragement of a Father who sees something greater. 

“Don’t settle.  Don’t settle, Ryan.  Don’t settle. 

It was the confidence of a God who believes in me. 

He said it three times.  It was very clear. 

Maybe you’re also waiting on something.  Maybe you have a dream that seems dry.  Maybe you’ve stopped believing.  Maybe you’ve stopped caring.  Maybe you’d like to settle. 

Perhaps this word is for you today too.  Don’t settle. 

Understanding Guys: Part 1

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The male is a simple creature. For you female readers this may come as a shock or may even conflict with your past experience.  Rather than simple you may tend to describe them as confusing, a little strange, crude at times, foolish, and prone to primitive behaviors.  Anything but simple.  My intent is not to convince you otherwise, but I am here to provide tips on how to live in harmony with this species.      

Relationship and interpersonal advice is available everywhere and in a variety of forms. This isn’t another 10 steps to blah, blah, blah.  This is cutting right through the fluff and getting to the real issues at hand.

The better you understand males the more likely it is that you will have a positive encounter.  Knowledge of the species will also help you know how to respond when challenges arise. 

Of course not every male is the same.  To pretend they are would be ridiculous.  But there are some common traits that when you’re aware of can help.    

Here is a disclaimer.  I am not an authority on this topic. I have no special credentials, but I do have some valuable firsthand experience.    

Let’s begin with the obvious. 

Food. 

Guys need food. 

If you’ve ever been around a male at feeding time you will find some remarkable and unfortunate behaviors.  If you’re running into problems with a male this can often be the culprit. If there was an owners manual for guys checking for male hunger would be the equivalent of making sure the refrigerator is plugged in if you suddenly found it wasn’t working. 

Male hunger can sneak up like a ninja sometimes without the male subject even being aware of it.  As warning signs the male may be observed as…

            Extra Cranky

            Impatient

            Irrational

            Easily agitated (beyond normal)

            Rude

            Frequently making comments like, “I think I might die if I don’t eat,” and/or “can’t we just eat already?” 

While males aren’t the only living creatures needing food they generally cope worse than most when this biological sensation comes around. 

While inconvenient to almost everyone male hunger can be most disruptive to relationships with females.  Hunger may cause the male to stop listening (even less than they already are), or choose to interrupt any serious conversation with questions about which fast food establishment you’d like to stop at.  This can be extremely irritating. 

So what do you do if you find yourself with a self-proclaimed famished male? 

Awareness is the first step.  While you can’t stop it don’t be surprised when you hear a rumbling male belly followed by the aforementioned warning signs.  It’s like clock work.  It’s not if, it’s when.

Practically speaking the next best thing is being prepared.  Have something digestible close by to stuff in their mouth when signs of hunger arise.  Guys are much like toddlers. When they get fussy give them a snack. It’s amazing how a small amount of sustenance can practically transform a male into a whole new creature.  Someone who is pleasant, reasonable, and in extreme cases, charming. 

To understand a male is simple, but not easy.

Take Away: Grumpy guy? Feed the fella.

Stay tuned for more tips on Understanding Guys.  I’m here to help.

Tomorrow I’ll Make a lot of Scores

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If you stop. And listen. Kids can teach you a lot. 

I have two wonderful boys.  They are full of life, creativity, energy, and passion.  They don’t always act like gentlemen.  More like cowboys.  They go full force.  They don’t hold back.  They give everything they’ve got.   

I admire that.  Their unbridled enthusiasm.  Their joy.  Their strength. 

Tonight as I was putting Jack to bed we talked like we always do.  I consider it an incredible privilege to put my sons to bed.  It is precious time that I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

It’s in these moments we tell stories.  We ask questions.  We get to know each other.  We whisper I love you dozens of times.   

It’s also in these moments that I realize this won’t last forever.  They won’t always want me to leave the light on.  They won’t always want to hold dads hand.  They won’t always want silly kisses under their chin that make them giggle.  But for now I’m going to soak up every minute I can.  

 Back to my conversation with Jack. 

Jack just got a new basketball hoop for his room.  Ok, so it’s not new, but we finally got around to opening the box.  Since then he has been practicing “making scores.”  He has a running total  from the past three days.  He’s quite proud of this.  As we were finishing our good-nights, I turned to walk out of the room, and Jack spoke up. 

“Daddy, I’m going to make a score.” 

Bedtime is usually filled with all sorts of creative delays.  I figured this was just another one.  With a smile I told him not tonight, because it was time for bed, but he could tomorrow.  With his hands clasped behind his head as if he were going to sleep in a hammock on the beach he casually said, “Daddy, how about tomorrow I’ll make a lot of scores.” 

So subtly he was teaching me a lesson.  To an almost four-year old life is a challenge to be accepted.    It’s another day to give all you’ve got.  It’s another day to practice.

Even though he may not have known it.  He was inspiring me. 

The challenges in my day usually have more at stake than a tiny foam ball falling through a net on top of the closet, but my attitude can be the same. Tomorrow is another day to practice. 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll make a lot of scores.